Gotham Apartments
by JimandSteve
Summary: Jonathan Crane has the unfortunate "luck" of being neighbors with the Joker and Ras Al Gul; not to mention, having Harvey Dent as his roommate. But when the group learns that a new tenant will be moving in, chaos is sure to happen. EXTREME OOC!
1. The Tenants

**Chapter One: The Tenants**

Dr. Jonathan Crane (aka Scarecrow, terror of Gotham) glared at the ceiling of his apartment, watching as his fan threatened to fall on his head. This had been going on for hours: the stomping, the loud music, the yelling. He rolled over on his stomach and covered his head with a pillow.

"Please…" he muttered into the mattress. "Please stop."

But the noise and the chaos continued upstairs, seeming to grow even louder. At last, the not so good doctor couldn't stand it any longer. He crawled out of bed, slipped on his glasses and a bathrobe, and headed out of his apartment to the room above his.

Crane stood and knocked for what seemed forever before he gave up and opened the door himself. He stood paralyzed, his right eye twitching and his knees shaking violently. The poor man had never liked disorder. So when the sight of what looked like a hurricane zone came into view, his mind and bowel movements could only take so much.

Across the room, the Joker and Two Face were having a violent competition of Guitar Hero. The Joker was jumping up and down, really getting into it. Harvey however was up close and personal to the TV screen, trying to see the colors with his one good eye.

Singing, or rather attempting to sing, was Ras Al Gul, holding a hand tenderly over his heart while he screamed _My Heart Will Go On_ into the microphone.

The sight would have made any normal comic book fan laugh. Crane , of course, was not a comic book fan nor did he know that his existence was brought to life only by Bob Kane or Cillian Murphy's portrayal of him. (If he had known, he would have dropped dead and _goodbye Scarecrow!_)

When the song was over, Harvey was the first to notice his presence. His grin slipped off his face and he let out a nervous laugh, dropping the guitar control.

"Hey, Crane. What's up?"

Crane glanced from Harvey, to the Joker, to Ras Al Gul, then back to Harvey. He was beginning to hyperventilate.

"'What's up' is that its four thirty in the morning and you and that insane clown and ninja don't know the meaning of silence!" shouted Crane, throwing his hands wildly into the air. "Not to mention," he added, grabbing Harvey by the collar. "You've seem to have to forgotten that you are _my_ roommate."

"Well, greetings Spock," came the nasally voice of the Joker. He watched with amusement behind Harvey, holding up his hand in a Vulcan salutation. "Captain Kirk and I have, uh, been holding down the ship while you've had your beauty rest." He licked his scar, and then erupted into a fit of giggles.

Ras Al Gul pulled Harvey from Crane's grip and pushed him to safety. "If I recall," he said in his awesome Jedi voice. "You seem to enjoy having… how did you put it? 'That Bacon Faced Blondie' out of your hair."

Crane crossed his arms. "I was particularly upset that day."

"You texted me that two hours ago!"

"I did not!" protested Crane.

"Not to mention," Al added, pulling out his iPhone with his neato ninja moves. "You put on your Twitter, 'Is very happy Beef Jerky has left'."

"But I didn't!" Crane once again lied. He looked over at Harvey and to his horror, Harvey's lip (er…at least _half_ of it) began to quiver. "No, Harvey, I didn't mean it."

"No!" sobbed Harvey, hugging (look up: suffocating) the Joker in distress.

"Can't…breathe…" the Joker gasped, trying to reach for his knife, but failing miserably.

"I have had it with you!"

The anarchy abruptly ceased…and unintentional comedy arose.

"You know, you guys might think that you're the only ones who live in this apartment," Batman growled, tying the ropes of his pink bathroom over his armor. "But you're not. There are some people here who don't stay up all night and actually have to wake up early to go to a – oh, here's a word you don't know - job."

Crane looked particularly offended.

"And as if your late night riots aren't enough to keep me surviving in the morning on coffee, I hope you know that you're going to paying to clean off the eggs and toilet paper you put on my car!" And with that, Batman waddled out of the apartment, his slippers' shuffles echoing on the metal stair case.

While Harvey released a crippled Joker and Al was still processing what he had seen, Crane rushed to the door and shouted, "Oh yeah? Well, you're not the only one with job, mister! At least I'm not the one who's flipping burgers!"

_**A/N:**_ Wow, hi! Look who's alive? I'm very very sorry for not writing for an entire _year_. Life has been interesting and my writing sense of humor died on me…but good new! It's slowly coming back. I'll be updating stories and I'm brainstorming my first "serious" fan fiction.


	2. The News

**Chapter Two: The News**

It was one of those rare moments in life, when Harvey wondered if Ras Al Ghul - an intelligent, awesome person - sniffed markers. He and the Joker were sitting on the couch, cereal bowls in hand, watching as Al danced around the apartment with a broom. Harvey's spoon was frozen half way between his mouth and his bowl, not sure whether to laugh to call Arkham Asylum.

The Joker also watched, but only because Al was blocking their widescreen TV. He titled his head in a dog like fashion and licked his lips, wondering if he could sneak up behind the ninja and stab him with his spoon. He highly doubted it, but the thought was tempting.

The two men were so occupied with watching the skipping ninja, they hardly noticed when Dr. Crane entered.

"What in the name of Science is going on here?" Dr. Crane asked, dropping his suit case to the

dirty floor. He was dressed in his usual grey dress suit, hair combed back and washed (a pleasant contrast to the fashion it had been the previous night).

"We're not quite, uh…" the Joker scratched the back of his head. "sure."

"New dance?" suggested Harvey.

"I wasn't aware he was into ballet." Dr. Crane crossed his arms thoughtfully.

"I wonder…" the Joker muttered, a mischievous spark in his eyes. He grabbed Harvey's bowl and threw it at the ninja. In awesome Matrix fashion, Al blocked the bowl, breaking it into pieces with his broom.

Al whipped around and glared at the Joker, twirling the broom. "That was not called for!"

The Joker simply smirked and leaned back in the sofa. Harvey stared at his cereal bowless hands.

"Why are you so optimistic this morning?" Crane asked.

Al smiled and leaned against his broom, titling his head. "Are you gentlemen aware of what happens today?"

The trio exchanged glances.

"Is it Karaoke night?" Harvey asked.

"Do we kill Girl Scouts?" The Joker eagerly hoped.

"Shall we be observing the fragile state of the human mind?" piped in Crane.

"No, no, and…er…no." Al sat down in a graceful ninja matter and pulled out a rather large calendar. He held it out, waving an inviting hand over it. "Go on. What does it say happens?"

They stared at the circled date.

"Buy one, get one free toaster polish?" the Joker asked.

"What? NO!" Al snatched the calendar away and waved his arms frantically in the air. "**WE GET THE NEW TENANT TODAY! WHO HAPPENS TO BE A WOMAN! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE WE'VE HAD WOMAN IN THIS PLACE? ARE YOU GUYS STUPID OR SOMETHING?**"

Three pairs of frightened eyes stared up at him from the couch.

"**YOU GUYS ARE SO BORING**!" and with that last outburst, Al stomped out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

"…let go of my arm, or I'll bite your face." The Joker warned Harvey, finding the man's invasion of his personal bubble to be the source of his arm's sudden blood loss.

Crane straightened his glasses, momentarily studied Harvey's fear, decided that it wasn't worth observing, and queried, "What new tenant?"


	3. The Stalkers

**A/N**: You might notice similar events that were in the original story, especially in this previous chapters and this one. Some things were just too good to permanently remove and others I needed to point the plot in the right direction. But no worries, fresh chapters will be right after this one.

**Chapter Three: The Stalkers**

The Joker was never one to let his curiosity get the better of him, but with his roommates, anything was possible. He had been working on a homemade bomb (made out of a toaster and roll of duct tape) when he heard Harvey, in all his unmanly glory, begin shouting excitedly. Frowning, he peeked out from behind his bedroom door and observed his roommates while they huddled around the computer. It had been several days since their new neighbor had arrived, but even Al with his professional ninja skills had not personally seen her yet.

"Is that her?" asked Harvey, trying to see past Crane's big head. He stood on his tip toes and leaned closer to the computer screen. "What about her? She looks like she could be her. Or her! She looks nice."

"Will you stop that?" Al growled, his finger moving with ninja speed as he scrolled down the Facebook search page. "If we're going to send a friend request, we must make sure we find the correct woman. Now…what was her first name?" he looked up at Crane and smiled. "Oh, yes! Donna! Thank you, Crane."

"I didn't do anything." Crane replied, unaware that he had her name scribbled across his forehead.

Al clicked on Rachel's list of friends and skipped ahead to the D section.

"Rachel has friends?" Harvey said with a look of awe. His eyes began to water. "She's never accepted _my_ friend request…or followed me on Twitter…or LOLed my text messages…or…or…"

The Joker rolled his eyes and walked over to his face rotting friend. "Now, now, Harvey," he patted (look up: _pounded_) him on the shoulder. "At least we got to try on her clothes that one time, huh?"

Harvey wiped his nose on his sleeve and smiled. "Yeah, you're right! And those high heel shoes _were_ fun to walk around in…"

Crane clutched his head, tried to remove the mental image and failed miserably. Al kept his eyes on the screen and did his best not to vomit.

"There she is!"

The group pushed Crane out of the way and looked at the profile of their new neighbor. It was set on private.

"What? How could she do this to us?" Al demanded.

"Quite simple," Crane answered, pushing himself up from the floor and readjusting his glasses. "She wants to avoid crazy men like you who haven't had dates in years."

"That's not true!" Harvey protested.

Everyone ignored him.

"Listen, Dorothy," The Joker picked up a marker and began to draw a mustache on the Doctor's face. "I know you had a thing for the Tin Man, but you've got to move on."

Crane gave the Joker a genuine "WTF?" look and sputtered, "What does that even mean?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. So shut up." The Joker admired his doodles then sat down in front of the computer, proceeding to hack into Donna's account.

Crane questioned his existence.

"Alright, gen_t_s," the Joker pointed toward the computer. "Pull out the notepads."

In awesome FBI fashion, Al and Harvey appeared on either side of the Joker with glasses and black uniforms. With serious expressions, they scribbled down all of the woman's personal information (if you consider Favorite Music and Favorite Quotes personal).

"Oooh! She has a 90 percent chance of surviving a zombie attack." Harvey said, clearly impressed.

"Well, that's one less thing we'll have to worry about." Al rolled his eyes. "Now gentlemen," he began pacing back and forward on the coffee table. "First impressions are important. If we are to win Donna to our side, we must make sure that when we meet that she feels welcome."

"I know all about first impressions," the Joker said, burning his arm hairs with Harvey's lighter.

"_Good_ first impressions?" Crane muttered.

"Shu_t_ up."

Al thoughtfully tapped his chin. "She likes lots of books, so _obviously_ she'd be impressed if one of us was reading a book." He pulled out an encyclopedia and shoved it into Crane's arms.

"Now – yes, open it up – look like you are fascinated with what you're learning." Al coached, positioning Crane's arms as if he were a model.

"I'm supposed to be fascinated with-" Crane lowered his glasses and squinted. "_Sexual Reproduction in Animals_?"

"Oh! Read it out loud!" Harvey said, jumping up and down.

The Joker snickered.

It was at that moment that the window shattered and Batman tumbled into their living room. He jumped to his feet, stepped on his cape, and fell on the coffee table, his body and armor weight cracking the wood beyond repair.

"Are you serious?" Al shouted, shoving his former student off of the table. "What is wrong with you, man? You can't just brake into someone's room and destroy their coffee tables! It's just not civilized!"

Ignoring Al, Batman stood up, crossed his arms, and with a smug expression asked, "So…have you guys met the new girl?"

The group slowly exchanged glances. Smug!Batman was really creepy, even by the Joker's standards. What was this guy up to?


	4. The Mission

The rattling golf cart zoomed down the sidewalks of Gotham's busy downtown, causing pedestrians to shriek and jump out of the way. The Joker, who was the group's designated driver, was set on hitting someone or something and doing a pretty good job. Zigzagging onto the curb and into the streets, the psychotic clown had already managed to destroy several food and newspaper stands, cause a car pileup, chase a homeless man down some stairs, and drive through the small city pond.

"I feel sick," Al groaned, clinging to his seat and desperately wishing the cart had seat belts.

"Can we listen to the radio? Please, please,_ please_?" Harvey begged.

Crane rolled his eyes and shoved Harvey's ugly head out of the way. "Why couldn't we have taken a taxi like normal people? It would have been a muster faster way of getting to the mall." he covered his face with his hands, noted the irony, and screamed, "Oh, right! Because I'm not with _normal_ people! I'm stuck with a self obsessed ninja, a whining corpse, and a stupid clown who thinks stabbing himself in the leg is fun!"

The Joker pulled his knife out from his leg and threw it at a random pedestrian. "Least I'm not a potato head."

"That's a terrible come back!" Crane said. He reached into his coat and gently petted his mask, trying his hardest not to cry.

The Joker looked into the rear view mirror and mischievously grinned at Harvey. "You, uh, wanna listen to some music, Bacon Face?"

"No, Harvey! Don't give into peer pressure!" Al pleaded. "Just say no! Just say no!"

Harvey excitedly, but naively nodded, clapping his hands together.

Cutting across the street and running over several jay walkers, the golf cart headed toward a parade that was just turning the corner. It seemed like a perfect plan to the Joker at first. He would simply go straight forward and part the band like the red sea. What he hadn't expected was for a mother with a stroller to randomly decide to cross the street as well.

"No! Not the baby!" Crane shouted, jerking the wheel sharply to the left. The cart turned on its side wheels and zoomed into the Gotham City Mall, crashing through the glass doors and speeding past all the shops.

"Now, where oh where did our dear Gordy say our book would be?" asked the Joker.

"Let's see," Al said, pulling out an unnecessarily detailed map of the mall and a bag of coupons. "He said it was at…Barnes and Noble. Yes, that is the place! Ooh! I and just so happen to have a buy one get one free coupon! Isn't that-"

"Can we stop at Build A Bear?" Harvey innocently asked.

Al's eyes turned on the poor man and in an unearthly voice, thundered, "**You dare to interrupt me? Do you know who I am, you mortal fool? I am the great Ras "Al" Gul!**"

Artificial thundered echoed from the speakers and a group of ninjas danced around the cart, throwing sparkles in the air.

"You have got to be kidding me…" Crane muttered, covering his face.

"**I have lived for thousands of years and have seen the rise and fall of civilizations!**"

"Oh my!" the ninjas shouted.

"**I have lead armies through the most dangerous lands and the most treacherous seas!**"

"How brave!" echoed his minions.

"**I have fought the strongest warriors and have defeated them all!**"

"Isn't he handsome?" resounded the followers.

"**What do you say to that mere mortal?**"

Harvey's one good eye had grown several good inches. Whimpering, he grabbed the unfortunate Crane and sobbed, "I just wanna a Build a Bear!"

The Joker slammed on the brakes, stomped toward the back, grabbed Al by the hair and shouted, "Get him that stupid Build a Bear or I will personally demonstrate how I got these scars!"

Al's larger than life ego was instantly popped. He stared up at his roommate's imitating glare and sniffled, "Okay," and ran toward the shop with Harvey skipping along behind.

**~Four Hours Earlier~**

Jim Gordan was running around his office like a panicking turkey, knocking over paperwork and file cabinets and screaming his bushy head off. His fellow officers were standing outside his door and office window; some laughing, others recording him on their phones, several not really sure how to react, and others, mostly the older officers who had worked with Gordan for years, rolled their eyes and placed bets on whether Gordan would jump out of the window or climb into the air vent.

(Because you see, Gordan believed that whenever his mustache twitched, that something bad was about to happen. Thus, his blood pressure shot up and he went into serious panic mode.)

"We're all going to die!" he screamed, rushing toward the crowd of amused/terrified/not really sure how they felt police officers. "We have to save the penguins before it's too late!"

The crowd laughed/screamed/kinda stared at Gordan.

"My mustache knows! It's twitching!"

Out from the crowd, an older police officer pushed through and glared at Gordan. "Gordan, what have I told you about upsetting head quarters? Do I need to give you a sedative?"

"But the penguins!" Gordan exclaimed, throwing up his arms.

"There's no buts about this, soldier."

"My mustache is having a seizure! You have to save us!"

"Gordan, just because your mustache is having a convulsion does not mean that the world is going to end!"

"You don't know that! Something really really bad is about to happen. I'm sure of it!"

At an unplanned, but perfectly timed moment, the Joker fell through the ceiling and landed on Gordan's desk.

There was an awkward silence.

Then the crowd burst into chorus of unmanly screams and charged away, leaving Gordan triumphantly shouting, "I knew it! I knew it! I-"

He looked down at the amused Joker.

"Well, that's the, uh, last time I use this deodoran_t_." The clown mused.

Gordan blinked, suddenly realized that the entire police station had evacuated the building, promptly screamed, "HOLY SHIT!" and ran around his office once more.

"Shit is _not_ holy," Crane muttered as he shoved Harvey down through the hole in the ceiling.

The four villains were soon assembled, but it took a while before Gordan finally passed out, became conscience, screamed, passed out again, and was finally revived successfully.

"Now, Mr. Gordan," Al began in his most business like tone, "we have come here, because you seem to be the sort of man who would be able to assist us in our greatest hour of need."

Crane raised an eye brow, Joker snickered, and Harvey lopsidedly grinned at the ceiling.

"Okay, not really. You're actually a really bad last minute resort." Al said, correcting himself. "But anyway, you're a married man and since none of us are married, we need someone who can help us with a particular situation."

"Does it involve penguins?" Gordan suspiciously asked.

"…no."

"Oh. Okay, then." Gordan instantly seemed to relax and cheer up. "How can I help you?"

"Well, a certain nemesis of ours has recently presented a challenge to us." Crane explained. "We must…entertain, so to speak, a certain female tenant. We must offer an invitation, she must on her own terms agree to accompany us, and she must have a pleasurable time."

"So…this is a date?"

"No. No!" Al shouted. "A date involves two individuals! This is merely an outing involving one lady and…four guys…" he frowned as if he was suddenly realizing that the opportunity to have some alone "date" time with said tenant would be extremely impossible.

"Five's an odd number," Harvey helpfully pointed out.

"Shut up! You're ruining my fantasy!" Al snapped.

Gordan stroked his mustache and in a very wise and unnaturally high pitched voice said, "I know just the book. My dear villains, to know everything there is to know about a woman, there is only one source that will tell you everything there is to know. For a low price of 19.99, _Women for Dummies_can be yours!"

"Oooh! Awww!" the villains cooed.

"Wait a minute," Harvey said. "You mean we have to go out and buy the book? Why can't we just barrow yours? I promise we won't bend the corners."

At that moment however, a SWAT team hurried into the room, shooting at every living thing in sight. Gordan climbed up into the air vent and the four amigos flew through the window.


End file.
